I LOST
Michelle
and now I have to FIND HER . . . again . . . and again and again
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2.0I’ve been procrastinating for about a week on writing this. At first, I thought it was because I have a tendency to be somewhat lazy, but now, I think it’s more. I came to this conclusion when my paranoia towards not only the people that surround me but also this coming year began to set in. There were difficult parts to last year, but I did actually enjoy it, and 2017 itself holds great meaning to me. I think due to the fact that I set goals that were achievable and I knew would become a part of my joy. Last year, I had an idea of what these goals were very quickly and went about pursuing them just as quickly. This year, I have weakly defined goals thus far. I have yet tried to reach for them, and I’ve made no effort to even set myself up to do so. Today, I was laying in bed feeling as though something was wrong. It was just a feeling in my gut, but I’m learning to trust those feelings more and more. They aren’t there just because I ate something funny. They're there because a decision I've made either sits really well and gives me peace or it does just the opposite, makes me feel distressed or as though I've put myself in a very unhealthy space. Laying in bed on my phone, these negative feelings started when I decided to do streaks. For those who don’t know what streaks are, urban dictionary defines them as “something you get with friends on Snapchat. You send pictures to them everyday and see how long you can keep the streak going. When you get a streak, a number will be next to the persons name of how many days your streak has been going.” Last year, I cut social media out of my life completely. Therefore, I’ve had no Snapchat, Instagram, or anything of the sort for a minute. At first, it didn’t seem to have much of an effect, but as time went on, I became happier without it. I realized that my happiness was not dependent on social media, whether that be posting on it or even interacting with others using it. Then the paranoia started when certain people didn’t reply to my streaks. I started panicking and thinking unreasonably about why they would do that. Upon feeling this I thought to myself, “why would I put myself back in this position? Them not responding is not that serious for so many reasons. Even if it was that serious, in a short amount of time it won’t matter.” Then I remembered I’m on the offense (resolution 1) this year, so how do I deal with this? Answer: I create my New Year's resolutions and stick to them. New Year's resolutions are typically about being a better you, but I’ve decided mine are about being the me I was born to be. Last year was dedicated to finding the foundations of Michelle. I’ve decided that this year is dedicated to not only being that person (resolution 2) but also being that person the way God wants me to be. I realize being Christian is not about changing ourselves to be less like who we before salvation, even though we are changed people. It’s about allowing God to change us to be more like the part of us that is made in his image. Now, not only am I on the offense this year, but I’m also being changed. I’m going to call this “Being Transformed” because it sounds nice(resolution 3). How do I do this? Honestly, I think it starts with being myself everyday because right now, that’s my foundation and I have to start somewhere. However, it’s also about pursuing the part of me made in God’s imagine everyday as well. Therefore, we have a fourth resolution: Pursue God everyday, which means I pray, read my bible, or do a devotional every single day. This puts me at four resolutions that all feed into each other:
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I am More.A friend once told me that confidence and self-esteem should not be based on the way you think you look on a day to day basis or even regularly. At first, I didn’t know what she meant. How could they be based on anything else? Eventually, I realized how someone looks can fluctuate so much that it makes it such an undependable factor in self-esteem. Although my friend has yet to tell me what else they can be based on, I think I’ve figured it out. I was becoming so upset with myself because I know who Michelle is. I am not conceited, but I can finally honestly say that I’m a great person. Like, I’m thebomb.com-plus-some. But every time I get in certain places with certain people, it’s like I forget who the heck I am, and it drives me insane. I’m telling myself in my head “Girl, you know you are not only a snack but a whole five-course meal and a buffet,” but I just don’t feel it. The more I feel like I’m not dressed well enough or my makeup is not done enough or this person is that much more than me, the less confident I feel in myself and the less I feel like Michelle. At first, I questioned myself. I thought maybe being insecure like this is Michelle, but I know that can’t be right because if it was, that's how I would’ve been my whole childhood. I, also, would be like that in all or most situations. However, neither of those or the case. One thing I’m not is a giver-upper. I choose to persevere, so I kept trying to make this feeling go away, but I couldn’t. Then I became angry because I couldn’t figure it out, and that made me so impassioned. In other words, I became fervent towards the idea of not being on the defense anymore. I’m so tired of feeling like it’s an uphill battle. I might be winning it but that’s not enough. A “W” may be a “W,” but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to win by a landslide, so . . . I kept thinking about it because this year is the year of more me. It’s the year of me-plus-G(God), so I was like God what is this? What do I do? God had a reply. He brought my mind to my friend, and he asked me “Outside of your looks, what more is there to you? What lives inside of you?” God lives inside of me. There is so much more beautifulness and savageness to me because I’m made in his image. Why do I feel like I have found the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? This is just the beginning of Finding Michelle and God, and I can’t lie . . . I’m so excited. People may not know but I know that there is this wonderfully mind-blowing girl inside me. I’m not perfect, but I love me and all of my imperfect flawlessness. I know that I am someone’s Upgrade U. I know that I am beautifully made, and when God tells me I’m ready, the world will see it all, but for now, I’ll let them live with panning for gold. When it’s time—really time—I’ll share my pot of it, and it doesn’t just end here. I know that I’ve invested it in a good place. I know that God is going to turn that pot into an ocean. Therefore, finding who Michelle is with God just means that I am going to see that . . . I am More.
FINDING MICHELLEIt’s been a year! A lot has happened this year, and I’m going to talk about it. I’ve been through so many ups and downs, and so much has changed since I’ve started this journey of “Finding Michelle.” Ultimately I started the year with four goals in mind, and I made many, many rules to achieve them. These four goals were very simple: Be Happy, Seek God’s face, Forget About the Old Michelle, and Find Michelle. I can honestly say that I have achieved every single one of this things, and that really matters to me, but the big thing is how I went about achieving them, and really it comes down to My Year with Jesus Rules:
I don’t remember if I put them in order of importance but I’m going to talk to them in the order in which they affected the way I interacted with life from least to most important. The first being Rule 3: No complaining. I realized that I don’t complain an extraordinary amount, but I do rant about why I think people were wrong and I’ll even get mad about it, but I avoid showing the actual person that because it isn’t progressive. I believe in progressive healthy relationships. There is nothing wrong with healthy venting and letting your emotions out as long as your going to actually do something about it. It becomes not okay when you complained, ranted, or talked about it many times but have yet to do anything to make the situation change. My last and first rules are don’t forget your purpose and NO DATING. The NO DATING was there really to aid myself in the first rule of not forgetting why I’m doing this. I believed that dating would distract me, but I was wrong. This rule really just depends on who you are. Will dating distract you or will it actually show you things about yourself? I didn’t really maintain the rule all that well because I “talked” to some guys . . . a lot, so I got to see both questions answered. It was distracting because I spent so much time focusing on the guys I was talking to. Actually, I was mostly focused on this one guy I had been talking to. I still am, but that’s okay. I learned so much that I valued as a person because I was either expecting it of them or I had to tell them the things I valued. I think the biggest thing with this rule is really to remember why you are doing it so that you don’t confuse who you are with who you are for him. “Him” being whoever you’re dating. They really are different things. I think the other rules were about equal in importance. They all played a huge part in discovering Michelle and doing so with God. I had to reason through my problems by myself before going to anyone else, and it made me realize how logical I am by myself. It’s just a part of me, and this rule really wasn’t about applying the rule, but proving to myself that I could do the rule. I gave myself no choice but to do it, and through doing it, I discovered a huge part of myself. I am logical, and I am smart, and I am wise because I use my thought process to learn and consider in all situations. Now, as long as I can do that rule, no one can take these things from me or say they are not true and make me doubt myself. I think enjoying life, not giving up, and focusing on what you are doing and not what other’s are doing really all go hand in hand. If I gave up, I would’ve never gotten where I am at. I would still be lingering in those sad places and not able to enjoy life. It’s a problem I recognize I have. I get sad easily and I get angry easily, and those can become really big problems when you find yourself lingering in them constantly, which is exactly what I do, and it’s also easy to get in those spots with my inferiority complex. I get stuck when I focus too much on others because I either feel like I am being compared to them or I am being compared to them. However, I had to force myself to keep going every day. Life is always is happening. It doesn’t ever stop, so I can’t just expect the world to wait for me to catch up. There were so many of these moments, like when I felt like people were leaving me, when I was stressed, when classes were hard, when my health was dropping because I was so focused on doing well in school that I just stopped taking care of myself, or when I felt like others were more than me. The list goes on and on. I, however, had to find that happy place for myself with God. It started as me giving a pep talk to myself every morning, telling myself I had the power to make the day a great day just by putting it in God’s hands and believing, by not letting other people ruin my happiness, by not comparing myself to others even if society or my friends compared me to others, by reminding to fight for my happiness and purpose that day. If I had never done that for myself, I would have given up, and I wouldn’t be seeing how great Michelle really is. I would have focused on those sad moments and not remembered to live in the happy ones. Very simply put, that’s what part of life is about: finding happiness for and in who God has made you to be and holding onto it even when life or people try to get you down. If I had kept focusing on others, then I would have missed out on me. I would have missed the fact that I am so passionate about life and my future family. I would have missed that God really did make me beautifully and wonderfully. I would have missed that I really do deserve more than how others treat me sometimes. I would have missed that I love people and positive relationships. I would have missed the fact that I don’t need people, but I do need the people that I deeply love in my life. I would have missed how loyal I am. I would have missed how much I value integrity. I would have missed that I really love me and who God made me to be. Honestly, each one of my resolutions fueled the others. I wouldn’t have been happy if I hadn’t prayed and mediated on finding myself so much, and I really would have never reached this point if I didn’t realize that we as people are constantly finding and evolving as individuals, so as much as I may love the old me, there is always more me and new me to discover. I just have to remember that it’s all in God’s plan and to love those parts too. I’m so proud of I achieved this year. I’m so proud of finding who I found this year, and that’s I am so excited to be saying I can’t wait to find more Michelle. This is not “new year, new me.” This is “new year, more me.” This is the year of Finding who Michelle plus God is. Thank you for being on this journey with me! Until next year, Michelle.Xx TEMPERNot everything I learn about myself is positive, so how do I handle the negative? Recently, I’ve discovered that I’m loyal, and I demand respect. Those are great, great things, but I’ve also learned that I have a temper and a tendency to snap at others. I have a hard time admitting my mistakes because I feel so horrible about them, and I don’t want to admit that I’ve messed up. It’s even hard to just write this because I’m admitting I have yet another problem. There's only one good thing about it, and that's admitting it. Once I’ve admitted it, it gets a lot easier because that's the most difficult part. I didn’t realize my temper that was bad until I snapped at a friend. I don't normally snap at people, and I never snap at people that I call friends because if I call you a friend, that means I can be emotionally vulnerable to you. I’m very sensitive, and the people who know this, the ones who I call friends, are very careful with how they say things to me due to my feelings. This individual, however, doesn’t know this I guess. She said something that upset me, and I got angry, and I just snapped. It wasn’t my best moment. I did apologize because I felt horrible about it, but I’ve also learned that I hold onto negative emotions easily. I tend to just linger in my sadness, or my anger just keeps mounting. Yesterday, I had one of those sad moments. It was right after I snapped at my friend. I was very disappointed in myself and just felt like a screwup. I kept thinking to myself, “how could I be made so wrong?” My mother and I have never had the best relationship, but lately, in these moments, she’s the one I call. I called her when this happened and said, “Mom, I have a temper, and I don’t know if I’ve always been like this. Have I?” There’s a lot my mother doesn’t know about me, and that’s partially because she didn’t raise me at the start of my pre-teen years. However, there are some things that I know a mother always knows about their child, like the little tendencies they may have. I knew she would know if there had always been signs of my anger issues, which there had been according to her. I had always had a bad temper. I told her that I didn’t know what to do, but I really didn’t want to be this way. I strive for integrity. I want to do what is right when nobody's watching and when people don’t care if I do what’s right or wrong. I know losing my temper like I did will never help me achieve that, so I asked my mom what to do. She told me to take an emotional intelligence(EQ) test and use my results to find ways to better myself. I took the test today and was as honest as possible because I knew that lying on the test wouldn’t reap real results. Without real results, I can’t really know what to do. The results said: You have slightly above average EQ – with room to grow! You are likely sensitive to the emotional climate of the people around you when you and they – peers, friends, family and key clients – are under pressure. You are aware of the effect your behavior has on others. While you may be adept at tuning into others and their needs – you must remember your own. Don’t be afraid to honestly communicate these difficult needs and feelings. This is one of the most important aspects of Emotional Intelligence: being able to skillfully air your grievances. As of late, I’ve been really careful when I read things about myself, like when I’m reading something about the name Michelle or about Capricorns, because I don’t want to let it define me. If I let them define me, they may be telling me that I’m someone that I’m really not.
When I read the test results, I’m uneasy about the first few sentences, because if I was sensitive to an emotional climate and aware of how my behavior affects others, I wouldn’t snap at people. Would I? I recognize the answer is that I still would. I don’t lose my temper because I’m insensitive or unaware of how I affect people. If I were that way, I wouldn’t apologize and feel guilty about my actions without anyone telling me to do it. I lose my temper because as the test says I don’t let others know how I’m feeling even if I understand how I’m feeling. I know this is true because I also learned over the past few months I’m quick to put up an emotional guard, a result of my trust issues because I’ve been hurt a lot. I think I need to learn to properly communicate my feelings. The test recommended that I read a self-help book or take some classes. I’m opposed to both, so I’m at a standstill. My long-term goal is to be able to properly share my feelings, but I don’t have a way or a plan or idea of how to achieve that. Therefore, I’m making a short-term goal of just keeping myself in check. I’m going to pray about it and ask God for some help, ask him how do I do this. I’ll do some research on what the bible says about anger to see if I can get better that way. I’m making the decision now that I’m committing myself to fixing my temper. I have a lot of questions about it and things I’m pondering, like where did it come from. At the end of the day, I do know one thing. I’m going to get better. Waiting for the Other Shoe to DropNobody naturally waits for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the other shoe to drop means you're waiting for something bad to happen after life's been good to you. I've realized that no one does this until the first time it noticeably happens.
I'll use me for example. Last summer was so great for me. I developed meaningful relationships. I grew as a person. I was content and happy. I had a great time with my closest of friends. I was the happiest and the freest I've ever been(I had no idea freest was a word until just now. I'm kinda hype about it.), but then the other shoe dropped. Everything went poorly awfully quick. I'm not going into detail because it's better not to think about these things just as they've ended but it ultimately led to a lot of traumatization. However, things have been so great as of late, and it's such a blessing. My best friend Alyssa and I are praying and growing spiritually as well as together again. My guy (who's my best friend too) and I are great. Our friends approve(it's weird to write this because I know he's going to read it). I feel confident enough. If I had physical things to put on my wall would be over flowing(the wall where I put things that make me happy). Then I started worrying about that God forsaken other shoe. I started waiting for the other shoe to drop because I've experienced it dropping before. The first time I wasn't even thinking about it. I was even reading a book where they mentioned the other shoe dropping. I decided instantly to write in the comments, and I don't think I could have put it any more simply. "I was just thinking about this. The key to the whole thing is not worrying about the shoe, just enjoy the good moments while they're happening." The other shoe is always going to drop because that's how life works. It's quite literally a roller coaster with all of its ups and downs and twists and turns. If you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, you'll be wasting half your life worrying about something you can't even affect because it's that unpredictable. It's quite simple, just don't worry about the shoe. Live every beautiful moment wholeheartedly as if that was the first and last time you'd ever experience them . . . because it is. I hope you have one less thing to worry about <3 Shellie.Xx 4 Days1.5 is how many years ago I turned 16 and how many years ago my uncle who raised me died.
7 is how many months ago I spent a day crying on my birthday. 2 is how many weeks ago I saw his family for the first time since he died. 4 is how many days I walked around their house wanting to cry because everything reminded me of him. On December 25, 2015 the uncle who raised me died. 5 days later, on my birthday, they had his funeral. My name was in the obituary. I sat on the front row at the funeral. I was one of the last people to say goodbye to him. The next year, I spent my entire birthday laying in bed crying because it hurt. I couldn't see the day any other way. I still can't. My uncle made me promise to never cut my hair again before he died, and I didn't. After that first year though, I needed a way to let go of all the pain. I thought cutting my hair would do it, but it didn't. I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't gone to his family's home and seen picture and memories. It hurt like a female dog. I can't even write it how I want to. The worse part is that no one told me. They intentionally kept it from me. Everyone in my immediate and extended family. No one told me. I knew something was up because my dad was treating me differently. I was talking to him about this game I was obsessed with, My Singing Monsters. He just looked at me and said my name. I just remember shaking my head and saying, "no." He didn't have to say the rest. I usually tell myself to hold it all in until my birthday, but I sat in his family's house for 4 days holding it all in. I need to let it out now. This is me doing that. i BelongAs of late, I always feel like I'm where I belong. I'm just at peace and content. I'm where I should be.
Michelle.Xx Unsaid.I didn't know this was a thing until my best friend said it, but there are unsaid words that wedge themselves between you and your significant other until one of you says them. I know what you're thinking. That it's stuff both of you intentionally hold in or stuff that you don't know the other can handle or you don't want them to know. I thought that too, but the thing is that as much as it is that stuff it's also so much more.
It's the things that you think you can't say. It's the things you think you should say. It's the stuff you can't stand about the movies. It's your favorite songs. It's family traditions. It's why 7 is your favorite number and why you can't stand the word cocky. It's whose laugh you think is great. It's the person you hold closest to your heart. It's the things that hurt you. It's the few people that you love to the moon and back. It's legitimately any and everything. The point of noticing the space in between the two of you is to close it. That's why it feels so uncomfortable. . . because it's not suppose to be there. It takes time, but ideally, you have a whole life if you really want to try. FutureThe future is an odd thing in any form. It only comes in two forms really near and distant. The near future is usually within the year; the distant future extends beyond that time. The funny thing about both is we always see them before they happen. More often then not, what we see doesn't align with the future's reality, but sometimes it does. Those moments are rare for most people. Those moments come in the shape of dreams, both the kind you see at night and the kind you want desire.
For me, the future has been coming in the shape of ink scribbles on paper that form letters. Letters that form words. Words that form phrases. Phrases that form sentences and sentences that form paragraph. Finally, paragraphs that form stories. I write it, and it just so happens to happen. It's happened to me a few times. This time it's different though because this time the future scares me, and I'm terrified of what I might write in the stars. Ultimately, it could never happen. Who knows? That's not the part that scares me though. The part that scares me is simply considering the future. Sometimes, I love it and it makes me happy thinking about life and how beautiful life is in all of its essence. Other times though, it makes me anxious in a bad way. I think it's because I'm afraid to lose people and afraid of change. Both have hurt me before, and the future isn't the future really unless it's different from the present. I think this is one of those times that I have to remind myself not to worry about something that's not happening or not happening yet. I have to tell myself that the future will be okay. Even if I'm scared of the parts that make me worry, I can't be afraid of what can be so great about it all too. I think it's time that I turn to optimism. Traumatized.I'm typically in denial about things. I don't always see things for what they are. I have a hard time saying my problems out loud . . . but I'll be the first to admit that I have a problem even if I don't verbally acknowledge it. Last night I did though. I told my Best Friend, Alyssa, that the things I'd been experiencing for the last few months had potentially traumatized me. Her reply was that she'd been there with me the whole time and knew for a fact that they had.
This didn't just come about in any way. I was laying in my bed and started crying. These weren't soft tears. They were the kind that you feel tearing through your chest into your soul. The kind that dig through the most coveted part of your being until they find that spot that makes everything else combust like old water pipes. This wasn't the first time that this had happened though. There was a day back in December when I was at church where I'd broken down into tears unable to hold myself up for hours mid service. It was more painful back then seeing as I'd just experienced the most traumatic parts of it all. I didn't heal then. I didn't allow myself to see pass the pain. Without knowing it, I'd denied myself what I wanted most, to be happy again and find whatever sense of peace I'd had before the matter. I'd thought that I'd deserved it all. That it all had to happen because I was so disobedient, and I let that misleading feeling hang over me from the beginning of the 2016-2017 school year all the way until now. I'd dated this girl that God told me not to. I thought all that was happening was meant to teach me a lesson. I know better now. I asked for forgiveness and God forgave me way back when. I just didn't see it that way. I thought there were consequences to my actions and I had to reap what I'd sown. I know now that God would never hurt me like that. He'd never rip my heart and mind to pieces like that. Now, that I've admitted that the past 11 months have damaged me but not irreparably, I can see things for what they are. I can begin to heal and grow again. |
Losing MichelleAs of January 1st, 2017, I decided that I didn't know who I was anymore. This blog is about my road to self discovery. I already know the foundation of my findings, God and the healthy relationships that I have been blessed with. The rest of "Michelle" is up in the air though. |